I just returned from my business trip from Malaysia and I think the trip was a wake-up call for me. It was a good weekend despite some hiccups as I felt at home and I really enjoyed my God-Siblings’ company. They are the kindest people I have ever met and they are indeed a great blessing in my life.
For the past 2 weeks or so, I always think that I have worked very hard to treat my cancer and lupie. I started on a green diet, I tried to set up a daily routine, I tried to stay active, religiously went for treatments and dealt with the side-effects of medications and the treatments.
However, I realised that all these are not enough. They are not enough to make me better, make me feel normal again, make me feel happy again, make me smile but yet, they caused the people I truly love and are so dear to me to be disappointed in me.
I have been treating my body, health and illnesses half-heartedly. I am unwilling to let go of certain things like my work commitments and keep pushing my own boundaries. It is not smart at all because I realised that I can do more if I rested early.
I can do more after being well-rested and this was proven the other night, when I was stubborn and refused to go to bed as I wanted to finish my work. Due to my obstinate nature, I suffered and I had to go to bed. The next morning, I woke up early to complete my work and I actually felt better waking up early to complete the work than the previous night, when I was forcing myself even though I was unwell and tired.
This brings me to today’s topic – FINDING TIME TO MANAGE MY ILLNESSES.
It wasn’t easy to shut my computer down and walk away from my powerpoint slides. It wasn’t easy to put down my phone and stop checking my work emails, or ignore the stack of clothes I need to bring to the dry-cleaners.
BUT I have the willpower to choose how I spend my time. I just have to exercise it and stop giving myself excuses.
I am so sad because due to my stubborn nature, I have caused the people who I hold close to my heart to be angry, frustrated and upset.
After reflecting on the conversations and what happened these couple of days, I have come to the conclusion that the best strategy I have for managing cancer and lupie is my ability to prioritise my health.
A mid-day nap or going to bed at 10:00pm has and never will seem practical. Trust me, it’s not that I don’t have 20 other things I’d rather do than to sleep. The phone keeps beeping and emails keep coming in. I want to watch my favourite television show, read my book, clean up the house, and my life keeps spinning on and on. BUT I have to learn to force myself to stop what I am doing every single day, and eat, rest, exercise on top of going for treatments. I need to choose to put myself first, and not my work, my presentations, my proposals and my emails; in order to function like a normal 28-year old young girl who is happy and healthy.
I need to know that my ability to make the conscious decision each day has more to do with my life-long commitment to living well than just about anything else I do. Aside from taking my medication (I quote my dearest God-Sis), getting my daily rest helps keep my illnesses in check for the foreseeable future.
And a long and healthy future is much more important than any presentation to Chairman.
While ignoring your own to-do-list is never going to seem prudent, it might just be a key to a long and healthy life with cancer or lupie for you too!
Before today, I used to think that being strong and brave meant taking on as much as I can and pushing the limits of my body. Today I realised that bravery and strength means exactly the opposite. Successfully managing cancer and lupie means you are brave enough to let go when necessary, brave enough to admit that you need to rest, and gutsy enough to disengage and disconnect. It’s a work in progress for me and I am still learning.
There is only that much our loved ones can help us (patients) and a lot lies in US – we need to be disciplined and positive.
WISHFUL THINKING
I wish I felt better.
I wish my joints didn’t hurt.
I wish I could breathe normally.
I wish that my heart condition will improve.
I wish that I will not suffer from so many complications and pain.
I wish that my family is here for me.
I wish I could sleep better.
I say “I wish…”, but what do those words really mean?
It implies that while I wish I felt better, I don’t.
I can’t.
And I won’t.
In wishing, there is a notion of negativity, an actual impossibility, that creeps in, silently, smothering any expectation that life with lupie and cancer will, can, or should feel better.
I started this blog because I simply couldn’t accept that life with cancer and lupie had to stink. I knew there had to be a way to live well, with lupie and cancer in tow.
Granted, I couldn’t “wish” the illnesses away. Instead, I had to come up with physical accommodations, mental workarounds, and spiritual exercises in order to make my life with cancer and lupie work. In essence, I had to develop positive strategies that would give me hope… in order to find strength, courage and patience to live well with cancer and lupie.
Dr. Norman Vincent Peale has written about what separates wishing from hoping. As he eloquently puts it…
“When you hope, really hope, then a magic ingredient comes into play. That ingredient is called expectancy. Expectancy says “This desired outcome can happen. Right now, it may just be a dream, but it is a realisable dream”.
When you start hoping instead of just wishing, then expectation is stirring in you.
This is what can help propel us to live well with our illnesses. Hope gives us the ability to make the lifestyle changes we can, to get the rest we need, and to accept the help we deserve. Once we think it is okay to expect more from life with cancer or any other chronic illness – that expecting life to get better is acceptable – then we gives ourselves permission to do whatever it takes to make that happen. To do our part in managing the disease.
Hope gives us the clarity we need to make tough decisions about medications or treatments. It allows us to tackle difficult conversations at home or at work. And it helps us to work closely with our doctors, to continue to strive for health and wellness.
Winning Battles 